Valentine’s Day For Men: Become a Genius in your Mate’s Eyes and Go to Heaven

By John E. Carey
Peace and Freedom
February 12, 2007

OK Men! I am going to improve your sex life on Valentine’s Day. No kidding. Guaranteed. Forget Doctor Ruth. On Valentine’s Day listen to your Uncle John. Or more correctly, your Great Uncle Arthur who was a genius and my Father.

I know my Dad was a genius because my Mom told me. And Dad died, unfortunately, way before Mom and she told me that stretch of her life without him was “barren.” She had Alzheimer’s disease near the end and she could only remember her life up until the time my Dad passed away. Nothing else had meaning.

So we are dealing with a very serious project here class so listen to your professor.

I keep telling people my Dad was a genius and that this mental gift is past down through the generations. When I tell this to older folks they look doubtful because they knew HIM.

When I explain this genetic gift concept to the younger generation they look doubtful because they know ME!

Anyway, I digress.

So let Uncle John just take a stab at the man’s “goal” in giving a gift on Valentine’s.

The goal is this, from your bride, steady girl or the guy next door (you pick) you want to hear, “Oh (fill in your name) YOU are a GENIUS!”

That’s the goal and that will improve your sex life at least on this one day. Nobody, not even Doctor Ruth, can fix your sex life forever, Rube, so forget about that fantasy.

Now, you are going to need two gifts. One is the heavy gift. If you have the money and the inclination, this gift is the lollapalooza. We’ll just call this “thing “ “bling.”

The other gift is all about what John Madden calls “trickeration.” The second gift lives in the ether of slight of hand. This is an inexpensive, unobtrusive gift. This is where you lower expectations.

You gotta use your bean to get this right so, as they say in the military, listen up.

My Dad’s special form of “trickeration” that earned him the title of genius for 40 straight years was this. He’d buy a schlock looking box of candy. The box had to be big and heart shaped and covered in red felt.

I think the candy he bought came from a company called “Fanny Farmer,” which, as I look back, is a great name for a candy company because this candy could add acres to your backside in a few week. By March 17, Saint Patrick’s Day, the next time my Dad would roll out one of his love gags, my Mom would be on a diet.

The day before Valentine’s Day, my Dad would open the candy box, very carefully tweezer the candy out of the foil covered “special goodie.” Then in that foil he’d put the bling. Like a gold earring. It doesn’t even have to be both earrings: when she finds this one she knows you’ll come across with its mate.

This got my Dad the “Genius” title for 40 straight years.

I was about six when he let me in on this gag. After he got the chocolate out of the foil he explained the whole deal to me; I ate the one piece of chocolate and he swore me to secrecy.

Now, he had been in the FBI so he could get that box back to factory condition without breaking a sweat.

The first year you try this, you have to be alert that the lowering of expectations doesn’t drive your mate into depression or rage. So get the gun lock on the 357 before you run this scam the first time. If you don’t do this right, you could be dead meat.

My friend (the same one that had to beg his wife for sex) put a gold bracelet at the bottom of a bowl of Cheerios one Valentine’s Day. His wife was new to the “lower expectations and delight with bling” stich (this is Yiddish slang I need help with…).

When he explained that his gift was that “I made you breakfast” the woman blew like Mount Pinatubo.

Oh, the humanity.

She called 911 after she attacked him and before he could get the bling dried off and explained, a guy in a blue uniform was reading him his rights . Before you know it, his kids told me, he was wearing bling of his own: handcuffs care of the arresting officer.

I had to bail his Fanny Farmer out of the calaboose that time. The next week I helped him move.

So this gag works and you will be a smiling genius but don’t blow it the first time. If you screw the pooch you’ll need a dog to keep you warm this February 14 and maybe forever. Good sex has limits, but sex denial is eternal.

My Dad had this lower expectations and amaze like Karnak deal down to a science and my Mom played dumb every year so they were happy ever after.

Now, back to when I was 6 years old. My Dad pulled off his magic, he earned his title of genius again, and my much older brother said, “Maybe we’ll get that little sister now.”

He knew way more about how this deal worked than I did…..

Read “The Wife Made Him Beg For Sex” at:

http://johnib.wordpress.com/2007/01/29/the-wife-made-him-beg-for-sex/

Valentine’s Day Rivals Other Spending Holidays: But It Is NOT About the Money

By John E. Carey
Peace and Freedom
February 12, 2007

This from the department of useless information: Americans will spend $17 Billion on cards, flowers, chocolates, Teddy Bears and sexy underwear to support people’s Valentine’s Day needs this year.

At “Party City,” a worker told me, ““It’s probably the second busiest holiday for us behind Halloween.”

Halloween?

At a large social event we did an informal opinion poll by asking our friends and relatives to compare and contrast Valentine’s Day and Halloween.

I asked people to fill in the blanks of the sentences: “Valenine’s Day is about_______.  Halloween is about_________.”

Here are some of the off the wall ideas we heard:

“Valentine’s Day is about coming. Halloween is about leaving.”

“Valentine’s Day is about getting wet. Halloween is about drying out forever.”

“Valentine’s Day is about ‘getting lucky.’ Halloween is about being scared.”

On this Valentine’s Day: Viagra will be available over the counter.

On Halloween you bob for apples.

“On Valentines, if you are lucky, you get candy. On Halloween you also get candy….”

The speaker was too sexy not to have equated candy to something else. Then she leered at me.

My wife pulled me away. CANDY ALERT!

“Notice that we seem to spend more on the ‘silly party’ (he made quotation marks with his fingers in the air) holidays like Valentine’s Day and Halloween than we do on the truly religious holidays like Christmas and Easter. And, in our society, we are constantly devaluating the religious nature of Christmas and Easter. Last Easter, at the mall, we didn’t have an ‘Easter Bunny’ but a ‘Celebrate springtime rabbit.’”

Hold it right there, pal. You seem to have missed the light hearted and good natured theme of our discussion here.

“Oh. I teach philosophy at the university….”

The Circle of Life: A Story of Love, Surviving War, and Overcoming Illness

By John E. Carey
Peace and Freedom
February 12, 2007

Maybe this story just had to come to us just before Valentines Day.

This is the story of touching relationships, maybe even love, that has come and gone.

Our story teller is one of the most famous Vietnamese American entertainers: Khanh Ly.

Khanh Ly is beautiful, talented, gracious and fun to meet. She is of a stature to the Vietnamese people, perhaps equal to that of Barbra Streisand or Madonna to some Americans.

Khanh Ly met a young man in Vietnam when they attended High School together. We’ll call him Tan because we don’t know how appropriate it might be to reveal is real name.

Once Khanh Ly became a mega-star in war torn Vietnam, she was frequently asked to entertain the troops. On one such outing she was at a firebase as the South Vietnamese wounded were brought in. She met Tan again and assisted him as they rode together toward the hospital in an ambulance.

Tan was badly wounded. In the American Old West they called his kind of wound “gut shot.” Few survive such gunshot wounds but Tan rallied and recovered fully.

At the end of hostilities in Vietnam, like millions of others, Tan and Khanh Ly escaped their homeland seeking freedom in rickety boats. The two had no idea where the other might have been.

Khanh Ly developed a terrific career as an entertainer and dedicated herself to using her talents to assist the many Vietnamese refugees spread across the world.  My own wife, who spent ten years as a refugee in the Philippines, was one of the many people assisted by Khanh Ly in her work.

Last night we were at a church social dinner for our parish which is Holy Martyrs of Vietnam Catholic Church in Virginia. Khanh Ly was the featured performer or “draw.”

A man at our table who was obviously is some physical distress said he knew Khanh Ly. Even though he was with his wife and middle aged daughter, and even though he was suffering some difficulty, he left our table and re-appeared a few minutes later at the foot of the stage. He had roses for Khanh Ly.

His daughter, seated next to me, began to cry softly. Khanh Ly brought Tan on to the stage and told us about the times they had met – including in the ambulance.  Tan’s daughter told me even more of the story. She said her Dad had suffered a stroke last year and that she and her Mom were caring for him: the Vietnamese way. No nursing homes for these families.

Tan returned to our table, obviously energized by the encounter with his old friend. The adrenalin must have been surging – as my friend with MS, Ben, says. Tan was bouncing to the music and smiling ear to ear.

Tan’s daughter said, “This is the circle of life.”

It was indeed.
************